THE UGLY SISTERS’ VERY EFFECTIVE GUIDE TO DATING ROYALTY

Hi, Grace here, also known as Princess Grace. Just kidding! I mean, I wish I was married to a prince. But so far, no luck.

The Ugly Stepsisters: Grace (left) and Bertha.

My sister, Bertha, and I live in Miramar, a suburb where there are hardly any princes. So instead we’ve been on the lookout for famous international movie stars who might be visiting to work on movies. Y’know, like Sir Ian McKellen, or Mark Hadlow. I particularly like Sir Ian, he’s soooo hot for an older man. And I hear from some of my friends in the theatre he’s very well-encumbered. With cash.

But we’ve hung out in all the cafes in Seatoun and no luck. Although, we met Andy Serkis once. He was very charming and sweet and is actually taller than Gollum in real life.

You’re probably wondering why my sister and I are in such a man drought. After all, we have a lot to offer – mainly, the ability to shop without taking toilet breaks, and to eat and drink anything we are offered no matter how disgusting. I’m beginning to think the nickname we gave ourselves – The Extremely Pretty And Feminine Sisters – isn’t helping. It intimidates men. And women. It’s difficult to meet lovely men when all the women around the place are jealous and saying nasty things about you. According to these envious persons, my sister and I are gross. They say we are rude and vulgar. To these epithets we can only respond: “Suck it, moles!!”

Um… yes, as I said, these persons say we’re mean, especially to our sister, Cinderella. (It’s pronounced “Cin – DUHHH – rella,” emphasis on the “duh.”) And anyway, she’s not even our real sister, just a half-sister. That’s because she’s so, ahem, under-developed (if you get my meaning) she only qualifies as half of a sister. Actually, she’s our step-sister. Which means, for those who don’t know their genealogical terms, we’re entitled to step on her whenever we want. Speaking of genealogical matters, I went to my genealogicist the other day (just a checkup) and everything’s fine!

Where were we… ah, yes… I’m all ready for a royal marriage, and so is Bertha, so let’s get back to the matter at hand, ensnaring handsome and powerful men.

Step One: Forget the losers. Don’t waste your time on the sort of man who has nothing to offer. No mimes. No shoe salesmen. No pensioners (unless they are Sir Ian.) No politicians. And definitely no musicians. (The only exceptions to the last rule are drummers, because they have good personalities.)

Step Two: Know your prey. Read about royal matters and protocol. I have found Peter Ackroyd’s two-volume ‘History Of The English Kings’ particularly useful. And also the Woman’s Weekly.

Step Three: Watch your diet. Try to combine food groups to achieve a balance. For instance, don’t eat an entire dinner of Cheezels. Instead, combine a portion of Cheezels with one portion each of Burger Rings and Rashuns.

Step Four: Attend to your ladygarden. Grooming is very important, ladies. Luckily, Bertha and I have Cinderella on call to trim our nethers. Important supplies to always have on hand: wax strips, tweezers, Nair, acetylene blow torch.

Step Five: Boost your confidence. This can be achieved in several ways. Self-talk is a good one. In any social situation, simply tell yourself you are superior to everyone else. Try NOT to say it out loud. You can also use approved and perfectly legal methods for improving self-confidence. These include spirits, wine, beer, RTDs, and fermented cabbage juice. (Important: avoid drinking fermented cabbage juice if intending to trim your ladygarden with a blow torch.) Lastly, adopt a nickname. We have chosen “The Extremely Pretty And Feminine Sisters” so you can’t have that one.

Photos by Stephen A'Court.

Good luck with your dating adventures! Message us here at Circa Theatre with your stories.

Lots of love from Grace and Bertha Hardup xox

Cinderella, the Pantomime runs in Circa until 23 December, and then comes back in the New Year for a short run from 2-12 January. Tickets are selling fast - an extra matinee perfomance has been added on 22 December due to popular demand! To book your tickets, call the Circa Box Office on 801-7992 or visit www.circa.co.nz. 

Ugly Stepsisters: The Cinderella story you never knew existed

Ever wonder what really happened at Cinderella's ball? Well, hear all about it from one of Cindy's stepsisters; this week, Canderella Honeybottom takes a moment to tell drama on the waterfront her story, and it is shocking stuff. To see what happened after the ball, bring your kids to Ugly Stepsisters at Circa during the school holiday, 10-21 April.

Ugly Stepsisters Canderella (left) and Griselda Honeybottom.

"So there I was, having the time of my life. Griselda Honeybottom and I were the last two on the prince's dance card and, frankly, she didn’t really stand a chance, what with the wooden leg and the halitosis. My turn was up as soon as the band came back from their break. I thought that I would use the opportunity to powder my nose, as we ladies will often do. I was at the mirror when in she came. You know who I mean. That pompous, arrogant upstart Cinderella. She had no right to be there after mother strictly forbade her from coming for continuously knocking on the three blind mice's door and not talking when they answered. The poor things had no idea who was there. But anyway, in she strolled and nudged my elbow while I was applying my lippy, causing me to draw a great big lipstick line right up my left nostril. She knows full well how hard “Everlast Shimmer” lipstick is to get off. I was stuck in that bathroom for 15 minutes just trying to wash it off. 


In the meantime, little miss high and mighty slipped a sleeping potion into Griselda’s lemonade and Griselda had started to snore incredibly loudly. So loudly, in fact, that the King and Queen had her removed from the ballroom. This meant, of course, that Cinderella had the prince all to herself. Even when I came back from the bathroom, she wouldn’t let him dance with me. I found out later in the evening that she had told the prince that I suffered from a rare condition and that when I danced with someone, all my teeth and hair falls out and he wouldn’t want to be responsible for me being toothless and bald, would he? The little minx! Could you imagine? So I was sidelined for the rest of the evening. Oh, there were others there of course. I danced with the Pied Piper for a while but he is a terrible bore. No wonder people refuse to pay him. The Gingerbread man was very nice but after holding his hand in a waltz for a couple of minutes he became too sticky. And don’t get me started on Georgie Porgie! 


Anyway, after about two hours of watching miss “butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth” she suddenly declared that the ball was over and it was time for everyone to go home. The cheek of it! Who does she think she is? It’s not even her party! And when people tried to intervene and tell her that it really wasn’t her place to tell everyone when to go home she threw a huge tantrum and stormed off. Out on the steps she took her slipper off and threw it at me just because I was trying to reason with her and tell her it was only five to twelve at night. Which really isn’t that late for us adults. Rumour has it the prince will be looking for the owner of the slipper tomorrow and is going to make them apologise publicly. If I were a lesser woman I’d tell the prince who she is and where she lives, but why lower myself to her level?

Love Canderella Honeybottom xx"

This year The Improvisors have created a KIDS season to celebrate the unsung heroes of fairy tales, with a look at the ‘true’ stories behind the other side of beloved fairy tales!

First up in the April school holidays is Cinderella’s Ugly Stepsisters as they carry on after she marries the Prince. With a hilarious all male cast – these Ugly Stepsisters embark on a series of self-improvements to discover beauty is not just skin deep!

As always we welcome and encourage the audience to come dressed up for the occasion – Knights, Princesses, Bears, Fairies, Batman are all welcome to add to the interactive experience.

So come on down to Circa Theatre to participate in the fun, dress up and join the story! 

To book, call the Circa Box Office at 801-7992 or go online at www.circa.co.nz.