Hi, Grace here, also known as Princess
Grace. Just kidding! I mean, I wish I was married to a prince. But so far, no
luck.
 |
| The Ugly Stepsisters: Grace (left) and Bertha. |
My sister, Bertha, and I live in Miramar, a
suburb where there are hardly any princes. So instead we’ve been on the lookout
for famous international movie stars who might be visiting to work on movies.
Y’know, like Sir Ian McKellen, or Mark Hadlow. I particularly like Sir Ian,
he’s soooo hot for an older man. And I hear from some of my friends in the
theatre he’s very well-encumbered. With cash.
But we’ve hung out in all the cafes in
Seatoun and no luck. Although, we met Andy Serkis once. He was very charming
and sweet and is actually taller than Gollum in real life.
You’re probably wondering why my sister and
I are in such a man drought. After all, we have a lot to offer – mainly, the
ability to shop without taking toilet breaks, and to eat and drink anything we
are offered no matter how disgusting. I’m beginning to think the nickname we
gave ourselves – The Extremely Pretty And Feminine Sisters – isn’t helping. It
intimidates men. And women. It’s difficult to meet lovely men when all the
women around the place are jealous and saying nasty things about you. According
to these envious persons, my sister and I are gross. They say we are rude and
vulgar. To these epithets we can only respond: “Suck it, moles!!”
Um… yes, as I said, these persons say we’re
mean, especially to our sister, Cinderella. (It’s pronounced “Cin – DUHHH –
rella,” emphasis on the “duh.”) And anyway, she’s not even our real sister,
just a half-sister. That’s because she’s so, ahem, under-developed (if you get
my meaning) she only qualifies as half of a sister. Actually, she’s our
step-sister. Which means, for those who don’t know their genealogical terms,
we’re entitled to step on her whenever we want. Speaking of genealogical
matters, I went to my genealogicist the other day (just a checkup) and
everything’s fine!
Where were we… ah, yes… I’m all ready for a
royal marriage, and so is Bertha, so let’s get back to the matter at hand,
ensnaring handsome and powerful men.
Step One: Forget the losers. Don’t waste
your time on the sort of man who has nothing to offer. No mimes. No shoe
salesmen. No pensioners (unless they are Sir Ian.) No politicians. And
definitely no musicians. (The only exceptions to the last rule are drummers,
because they have good personalities.)
Step Two: Know your prey. Read about royal
matters and protocol. I have found Peter Ackroyd’s two-volume ‘History Of The
English Kings’ particularly useful. And also the Woman’s Weekly.
Step Three: Watch your diet. Try to combine
food groups to achieve a balance. For instance, don’t eat an entire dinner of
Cheezels. Instead, combine a portion of Cheezels with one portion each of
Burger Rings and Rashuns.
Step Four: Attend to your ladygarden. Grooming
is very important, ladies. Luckily, Bertha and I have Cinderella on call to
trim our nethers. Important supplies to always have on hand: wax strips,
tweezers, Nair, acetylene blow torch.
Step Five: Boost your confidence. This can
be achieved in several ways. Self-talk is a good one. In any social situation, simply
tell yourself you are superior to everyone else. Try NOT to say it out loud.
You can also use approved and perfectly legal methods for improving
self-confidence. These include spirits, wine, beer, RTDs, and fermented cabbage
juice. (Important: avoid drinking fermented cabbage juice if intending to trim
your ladygarden with a blow torch.) Lastly, adopt a nickname. We have chosen
“The Extremely Pretty And Feminine Sisters” so you can’t have that one.
 |
| Photos by Stephen A'Court. |
Good luck with your dating adventures!
Message us here at Circa Theatre with your stories.
Lots of love from Grace and Bertha Hardup
xox
Cinderella, the Pantomime runs in Circa until 23 December, and then comes back in the New Year for a short run from 2-12 January. Tickets are selling fast - an extra matinee perfomance has been added on 22 December due to popular demand! To book your tickets, call the Circa Box Office on 801-7992 or visit www.circa.co.nz.
