THE UGLY SISTERS’ VERY EFFECTIVE GUIDE TO DATING ROYALTY

Hi, Grace here, also known as Princess Grace. Just kidding! I mean, I wish I was married to a prince. But so far, no luck.

The Ugly Stepsisters: Grace (left) and Bertha.

My sister, Bertha, and I live in Miramar, a suburb where there are hardly any princes. So instead we’ve been on the lookout for famous international movie stars who might be visiting to work on movies. Y’know, like Sir Ian McKellen, or Mark Hadlow. I particularly like Sir Ian, he’s soooo hot for an older man. And I hear from some of my friends in the theatre he’s very well-encumbered. With cash.

But we’ve hung out in all the cafes in Seatoun and no luck. Although, we met Andy Serkis once. He was very charming and sweet and is actually taller than Gollum in real life.

You’re probably wondering why my sister and I are in such a man drought. After all, we have a lot to offer – mainly, the ability to shop without taking toilet breaks, and to eat and drink anything we are offered no matter how disgusting. I’m beginning to think the nickname we gave ourselves – The Extremely Pretty And Feminine Sisters – isn’t helping. It intimidates men. And women. It’s difficult to meet lovely men when all the women around the place are jealous and saying nasty things about you. According to these envious persons, my sister and I are gross. They say we are rude and vulgar. To these epithets we can only respond: “Suck it, moles!!”

Um… yes, as I said, these persons say we’re mean, especially to our sister, Cinderella. (It’s pronounced “Cin – DUHHH – rella,” emphasis on the “duh.”) And anyway, she’s not even our real sister, just a half-sister. That’s because she’s so, ahem, under-developed (if you get my meaning) she only qualifies as half of a sister. Actually, she’s our step-sister. Which means, for those who don’t know their genealogical terms, we’re entitled to step on her whenever we want. Speaking of genealogical matters, I went to my genealogicist the other day (just a checkup) and everything’s fine!

Where were we… ah, yes… I’m all ready for a royal marriage, and so is Bertha, so let’s get back to the matter at hand, ensnaring handsome and powerful men.

Step One: Forget the losers. Don’t waste your time on the sort of man who has nothing to offer. No mimes. No shoe salesmen. No pensioners (unless they are Sir Ian.) No politicians. And definitely no musicians. (The only exceptions to the last rule are drummers, because they have good personalities.)

Step Two: Know your prey. Read about royal matters and protocol. I have found Peter Ackroyd’s two-volume ‘History Of The English Kings’ particularly useful. And also the Woman’s Weekly.

Step Three: Watch your diet. Try to combine food groups to achieve a balance. For instance, don’t eat an entire dinner of Cheezels. Instead, combine a portion of Cheezels with one portion each of Burger Rings and Rashuns.

Step Four: Attend to your ladygarden. Grooming is very important, ladies. Luckily, Bertha and I have Cinderella on call to trim our nethers. Important supplies to always have on hand: wax strips, tweezers, Nair, acetylene blow torch.

Step Five: Boost your confidence. This can be achieved in several ways. Self-talk is a good one. In any social situation, simply tell yourself you are superior to everyone else. Try NOT to say it out loud. You can also use approved and perfectly legal methods for improving self-confidence. These include spirits, wine, beer, RTDs, and fermented cabbage juice. (Important: avoid drinking fermented cabbage juice if intending to trim your ladygarden with a blow torch.) Lastly, adopt a nickname. We have chosen “The Extremely Pretty And Feminine Sisters” so you can’t have that one.

Photos by Stephen A'Court.

Good luck with your dating adventures! Message us here at Circa Theatre with your stories.

Lots of love from Grace and Bertha Hardup xox

Cinderella, the Pantomime runs in Circa until 23 December, and then comes back in the New Year for a short run from 2-12 January. Tickets are selling fast - an extra matinee perfomance has been added on 22 December due to popular demand! To book your tickets, call the Circa Box Office on 801-7992 or visit www.circa.co.nz.